When You Want Something So Bad and You Think You Won’t Get It

When you want something so bad

Holding a sweet friend’s baby girl

Today is a big day for our family. Today is our 2nd trimester ultra-sound.

And as I write this, I am actually kind of anxious. I’ve never been in this space before over an ultra-sound.

Some might think it’s a reflection of where I am spiritually. And to a degree it could be because you see I have been wrestling with something. And I am kind of embarrassed to say what it is because it seems so silly.

You might be thinking that I am nervous that after having six healthy pregnancies, maybe I am nervous that this time might be different. But that’s not it. It’s not that I know anything about the baby’s health, it’s that I have a peace either way.

But what I haven’t reconciled in my heart is so selfish and immature.

REALLY, really, really want a girl. 

Of course, we will be thrilled about the gift of a baby either way! And of course, I love my boys just as much as I do my girls. And I recognize there is a special privilege in raising boys because you are really raising men, leaders of future families for Christ. It’s an honor and a responsibility. I get it! I have four boys and I am so thankful for each of them.

It’s just that for about 8 years I have had a reoccuring dream that our youngest child in the family was a girl. 

I get that I am going out on a limb sharing this with you. And I am not saying this vision was prophetic, but I will admit that my heart has yearned for another baby girl for years. My youngest is ten and a half.

People often ask me if I know what I am having or have a suspicion. The funny thing is, I am ALWAYS wrong. 

In fact, my personal history is that every time I am pregnant with friends, I always have the opposite gender than everyone else.

So this time. I feel like I am on the verge of learning another lesson from God. I am anticipating learning once again, how much this baby and pregnancy is not really about me. 

I know that God does give us the desires of our heart. And I am grasping onto that promise. But deep down inside I am just waiting to deal with a little bit of loss. I am sure this sounds crazy to you. I have to admit it does to me too, but I just wonder how many women out there have struggled with this too?

Have you ever struggled with wanting something SO bad that you fear you will never see it or experience it?

Last week I had the honor of being at a dear friend’s birth. This sweet dear friend of ours had three boys and everyone knew mama wanted a girl. Ninety-five percent of people at her baby shower and within her family guessed she was having a girl, and when her sweet gift was born, it was revealed she was having a boy. I could see it right away in my dear friends eyes as she looked up at me while holding her baby for the first time. In that moment it hit me. There can be disappointment even in a beautiful birth story, even in a healthy gift of a baby.

It is sometimes the first opportunity for sanctification as a mother. To recognize our own selfish desires when we don’t receive what we desire. We can be like little children even in our thirties, forties, and older.

So what am I preaching to myself right now?

Being Pregnant isn't all about me!-2

That God’s purposes and plans are far greater than my wants. That whoever He has created to be born into our family is being created with a grander purpose than I even know. That this child, whether girl or boy, has been chosen before time, created and woven in my womb by God for a unique purpose. And I CAN rejoice in that! I can rejoice that God chose me to be this child’s mother and that He will give me the strength I need to raise this baby for His glory, IF I keep looking to Him.

For you created my inmost being; 
you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Psalm 139:13-16 

Editorial Addition Post Ultrasound Waiting Room:

As I sat in the waiting area with my husband and children at my side, I sat and went through Psalm 139 again. A verse I have read how many times, and God’s good word rings true and reveals more truth. Look over this verse again, as I did in the waiting room. What stands out to you? 

Nothing in this verse is concerning the pregnant mother’s will or her agenda. Now, don’t get me wrong, I believe God wants to give us the desires of our heart because He IS that good, loving Father that wants to bestow lavish gifts to His children! But sisters, this message that the creation and plans for my child’s life are what is taught in this passage.  My frame was not hidden from you… I am fearfully and wonderfully made…when I was woven together… Your eyes saw my unformed body… This passage is for each of us upon our creation! And it is equally for my child’s as well. This verse is pointing me even more to the cross and away from my desires. All the days ordained for me were written in your book. Yes, Lord Jesus!  Help me to remember this is the truth for this child. Amen.

Will you pray for me and other sisters who might be struggling with this?

This is a totally different kind of post. I have no idea what kind of response I will get, if any. But I wanted to be transparent with you all and what is hindering me from experiencing His fullness and ask you as sisters in Christ to be praying for me. 

For those who will be anxious to know what we are having:

We have experienced both finding out and waiting until the birth, and love the joy of both. This time, we have decided to do something we have never done before. We are going to have a reveal party. So I apologize, but you will have to wait and find out with everyone else.

Thank you for your love & support.




About Angie Tolpin

Angie is married to her best friend Isaac and is a homeschooling mom to seven children ranging in age from 5 months to 15 years old. She loves to encourage moms and wives and thrives best when accompanied by her husband as they speak together. She is the author of Redeeming Childbirth, The Growth & Study Guide, and the online Bible Study: The Quiet Fight Between Women.

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  1. I wanted my first baby to be a boy. A big brother for a little sister to watch over her. I had a girl first. A little disappointed but i figured we’d just have our boy second. Nope another girl. And how funny you mentioned that you usually have the opposite gender as those pregnant around you. Mostly the same here. Me and my cousin both had girls. But several of my friends had boys. 7 years go by and my husband and i decide to have one more. I think we were a little crazy, but we both wanted one more try for a boy. I kow a son for both of us has been a desire of our hearts. Well baby #3 is a girl. And somehow even though i spoke of nothing but hoping for a boy i just knew she would be a girl. I did feel disappointed but mostly came to peace with it because i already had my gut instinct she would be a girl. My two older kids cried, i took them with me to my ultrasound. My husband still wishes for a boy. I tell him he can enjoy his son in laws someday. Or maybe god will open a foor for adoption and it will be a boy. Ive come to peace with my three girls. I struggle more in trusting god with my dreams of owning a home all of our own. Of not renting and sharing walls with inconsiderate neighbors. Of wondering when or even if my husband will stop getting injured and needing surgeries and having a broken body that prohibits him from joining us on most of our outings, whether local or out of town. I struggle with feeling like this part of our lives will end, that theres a light somewhere in the dark tunnel, and struggling that god really does know best, he has our best in mind, wants to bless us and already does. Its even harder when your husband feels like gods given up on him and is completely discouraged and depressed and no amount of encouragement seems to help. I try to write 5 things at the end of every day i am grateful for, I’m getting pretty good. Focusing on the blessings and gods love help, but sometimes i just look up at him and cry in my heart “why? When will it end?”

  2. Praying for God’s perfect plan to become your desire as well! Can’t wait to hear!

  3. I was CERTAIN that number three would be a girl and when I found out I was having a third boy I started laughing (after crying for a few minutes). We named him Isaac, son of laughter, and he has been my joy. When number four came along I wanted a girl so bad, more then I can describe, and I remember telling God, I know I don’t deserve this and I’m trying not to get my hopes up, and He kept telling me, “don’t be afraid to hope.” Ultrasound showed a girl but I was still a little uneasy until she was born. Now, two years later I still look at her and think, I can’t believe I got my girl!

  4. This is a great post. I never wanted to be where I am now- which is hoping for another pregnancy but not experiencing it yet because I was afraid of being disappointed in God. But I’m learning so much through it! Your post is right on- it’s not about us. And He loves us yes, yes.. SO much, but really we’re here to conform our will to His. And that means letting go of things, changing things, and loving what He has for us. Really, it’s all about loving Him more than the benefits of our relationship with Him. Loving His will enough just because its from Him not because it satisfies our flesh in some way. It’s a hard lesson, but he’s allowing me to see how much of my heart I still haven’t given to Him because it’s still holding on to someTHING- not at all that it is a bad thing. He’s blessed me with two beautiful girls which is what my husband and I really wanted. But now I’m here in this “waiting room” of wanting again but not receiving. Thank you for sharing your heart!

    • Brittany, we are in a similar place. I have 4 beautiful children of whom I’m so thankful for. Then we had a 21week stillbirth earlier this year. A little boy, Avi, meaning God is my Father. We got pregnant again and I felt from the very beginning that I wanted this baby so badly that it wouldn’t happen. I’ve prayed psalm 139 over and over that God would be knitting this little baby together. I’m now 19 weeks and we just found out our precious baby has died and is in the arms of Jesus. This little one hasn’t come into the world yet, so we don’t know if it is a boy or girl. We grieve but we are not hopeless. We cry and mourn, but we have a good and great God. I know He has a good and perfect plan for us, no matter what my plans may be.


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