Today is a big day for our family. Today is our 2nd trimester ultra-sound.
And as I write this, I am actually kind of anxious. I’ve never been in this space before over an ultra-sound.
Some might think it’s a reflection of where I am spiritually. And to a degree it could be because you see I have been wrestling with something. And I am kind of embarrassed to say what it is because it seems so silly.
You might be thinking that I am nervous that after having six healthy pregnancies, maybe I am nervous that this time might be different. But that’s not it. It’s not that I know anything about the baby’s health, it’s that I have a peace either way.
But what I haven’t reconciled in my heart is so selfish and immature.
I REALLY, really, really want a girl.
Of course, we will be thrilled about the gift of a baby either way! And of course, I love my boys just as much as I do my girls. And I recognize there is a special privilege in raising boys because you are really raising men, leaders of future families for Christ. It’s an honor and a responsibility. I get it! I have four boys and I am so thankful for each of them.
It’s just that for about 8 years I have had a reoccuring dream that our youngest child in the family was a girl.
I get that I am going out on a limb sharing this with you. And I am not saying this vision was prophetic, but I will admit that my heart has yearned for another baby girl for years. My youngest is ten and a half.
People often ask me if I know what I am having or have a suspicion. The funny thing is, I am ALWAYS wrong.
In fact, my personal history is that every time I am pregnant with friends, I always have the opposite gender than everyone else.
So this time. I feel like I am on the verge of learning another lesson from God. I am anticipating learning once again, how much this baby and pregnancy is not really about me.
I know that God does give us the desires of our heart. And I am grasping onto that promise. But deep down inside I am just waiting to deal with a little bit of loss. I am sure this sounds crazy to you. I have to admit it does to me too, but I just wonder how many women out there have struggled with this too?
Have you ever struggled with wanting something SO bad that you fear you will never see it or experience it?
Last week I had the honor of being at a dear friend’s birth. This sweet dear friend of ours had three boys and everyone knew mama wanted a girl. Ninety-five percent of people at her baby shower and within her family guessed she was having a girl, and when her sweet gift was born, it was revealed she was having a boy. I could see it right away in my dear friends eyes as she looked up at me while holding her baby for the first time. In that moment it hit me. There can be disappointment even in a beautiful birth story, even in a healthy gift of a baby.
It is sometimes the first opportunity for sanctification as a mother. To recognize our own selfish desires when we don’t receive what we desire. We can be like little children even in our thirties, forties, and older.
So what am I preaching to myself right now?
That God’s purposes and plans are far greater than my wants. That whoever He has created to be born into our family is being created with a grander purpose than I even know. That this child, whether girl or boy, has been chosen before time, created and woven in my womb by God for a unique purpose. And I CAN rejoice in that! I can rejoice that God chose me to be this child’s mother and that He will give me the strength I need to raise this baby for His glory, IF I keep looking to Him.
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Psalm 139:13-16
Editorial Addition Post Ultrasound Waiting Room:
As I sat in the waiting area with my husband and children at my side, I sat and went through Psalm 139 again. A verse I have read how many times, and God’s good word rings true and reveals more truth. Look over this verse again, as I did in the waiting room. What stands out to you?
Nothing in this verse is concerning the pregnant mother’s will or her agenda. Now, don’t get me wrong, I believe God wants to give us the desires of our heart because He IS that good, loving Father that wants to bestow lavish gifts to His children! But sisters, this message that the creation and plans for my child’s life are what is taught in this passage. My frame was not hidden from you… I am fearfully and wonderfully made…when I was woven together… Your eyes saw my unformed body… This passage is for each of us upon our creation! And it is equally for my child’s as well. This verse is pointing me even more to the cross and away from my desires. All the days ordained for me were written in your book. Yes, Lord Jesus! Help me to remember this is the truth for this child. Amen.
Will you pray for me and other sisters who might be struggling with this?
This is a totally different kind of post. I have no idea what kind of response I will get, if any. But I wanted to be transparent with you all and what is hindering me from experiencing His fullness and ask you as sisters in Christ to be praying for me.
For those who will be anxious to know what we are having:
We have experienced both finding out and waiting until the birth, and love the joy of both. This time, we have decided to do something we have never done before. We are going to have a reveal party. So I apologize, but you will have to wait and find out with everyone else.
Thank you for your love & support.